My Great Grandmother’s Diaries

So a few days ago my grandmother told my mom that she found her mothers diaries from the 1950’s. She then proceeded to tell my mother that she was just going to burn them because they probably didn’t have much to say.

My mother wasn’t going to let her grandmother’s history be erased so quickly. So, my mom and I went to my grandmother’s house today and snuck the diaries out of the house.

We couldn’t let something so precious be demolished.

My great grandma wrote in her journal every day for years. I am glued to these diaries. And yeah, my grandma may have been right, there isn’t much said in the diaries, but that’s beside the point.

She talks about ironing and washing often. She goes to play bridge. One day she bought a cabbage. So, yeah, not a lot of huge events are happening. However, the joy and excitement I have while reading these make the stories feel like she was a Hollywood star or something.

My great grandma mentions her mother a lot. A lady I’ve heard about for years. My great-great grandmother passed long before I was born, but she has always been a lady I feel connected to. Afterall, I am named after her.

Hearing about what her mother was like, and learning about what my great grandma was like is so exciting to me.

My mother loved her grandma, and I am so happy that my mom will forever have these diaries to hold onto. They tell the story about before she was born, and if you know my mom’s family, you know that that’s quite the story.

I’ve decided that I’m going to start journaling too. I want to leave something behind for my kids, or their kids, and maybe even their kids. Maybe someday my grandkids and great grandkids will want to know what their grandmother was like at 22 years old…

… now that I’m thinking about it…

I’m going to have to hide these diaries for a long time, they don’t need to know all my secrets while I’m alive. 🙂

Maybe I’ll write my diaries addressed to them.

I’ll have to write a disclaimer in advanced.

“Warning: Your grandmother had her fun in her youth, do not think any less of her now that you know her secrets, she’s still the angel you’ve always thought of her as.”

I’m just kidding, I’m not that bad whatsoever. All they’ll be reading about is how I went to school and work.

 

P.S

School is going well! My lowest grade is a 95%

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Part 2

I start college on Monday.

Yup. You read me correctly. I’m going back to college.

And yes, I am scared out of my mind.

If you don’t recall I started this blog in January/February 2014. One month after I left college. I was sad, confused, lonely, and scared. Going to that school was the absolute worst experience I’ve ever had. I’m scared to death to fall into that mental state again.

I think I was numb. In lack of a better example; it’s like I’m a recovering drug addict, I’ve been in recovery for a while, and I’m terrified to relapse. Except instead of drugs, its depression and I’m scared that going back to school might be my trigger to relapse.

Except one very important thing is very different.

I am not that girl anymore. I am happy and social. Unfortunately, I am still confused about almost everything in life. And don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared. But I’ve learned that just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I get to chicken out. I have to be bold and I can’t let fear stop me.

So, here I go. Wide-eyed, ready, and trembling in my boots.

Wish me luck, It’s my first day of college part 2!

One Week Later

It’s been a sad week, guys.

It’s been a great week, guys.

Yes, I cried my fair share of tears this week. They’re justified tears though. Although I’m a firm believer that tears never need to be justified. If you need to cry, then you cry, honey.

Anyways, my tears were for my grandma. When you lose one of the main people in your circle, it would be bizarre not to mourn them.

But, it has been a great week nonetheless.

First off, I made a friend. A real one! One that has a physical form, and can converse back with me. I know, guys! I’m shocked too. Seriously, I got invited to a party this weekend. It’s a legit friendship. I’ve known this friend for a while, but we just decided to actually start hanging out.

I also start working full time next week, I thought I was going to start in June! So that was a pleasant surprise. I’m thankful.

How good can life get right now, guys?

Of course I miss my grandma. I’m still at the stage where I’m forgetting she’s gone. I even told myself I was going to go visit her tomorrow. I forgot I couldn’t.

I’m always going to miss my grandma, she was wonderful, I wish you could’ve met her too.

I know she’s not going to see this, but I just had to let her know that I’m okay.

Life isn’t going to be the same without her.

But life is great because I had her.

I love you, grandma.

Everybody misses you, but everybody’s fine.

Free Dinner

Can we all just accumulatively agree that dating sucks?

Seriously, finding the love of your life is difficult.

You know when people say something along the lines of “you gotta date some losers, so you appreciate the good one when he comes along.” Well, I’m in the loser stage. Thats not even to say that all of them were losers.

But they were.

Like, how could you not like me? I’m hilarious, charming, and charismatic. And you won’t give me the time of day. Geesh. Like I said; finding the love of your life is difficult.

I’m definitely more so in the “casual dating” part of dating. I’m not really looking for anything serious. I don’t think I’m ready for anything real serious right now.

I just want someone who wants to catch a movie, go go-cart riding, eat pasta, and maybe take a walk.

I’ve loved and gained (I refuse to count that love as a loss), and I know I will love again. However; having someone to hangout with and buy you dinner doesn’t suck.

So like I said, causally dating. It’s hard though, because I want to just casually date, but I’m also a girl and I over think things. Constantly after a first date I’m thinking, “what if he doesn’t call?” and then he doesn’t and I get sad. Then I realize… I didn’t call him either,  because I didn’t want to. So once I realize the feeling was mutual of no second date, I’m okay.

Girls are silly, we can over thing ourselves into a frenzy. Convincing ourselves he’s the love of our life because he remembered you’re allergic to olives.

I’ve had a lot of first dates that definitely don’t lead to second dates. Thats okay though. When you’re 21 and single thats how it should be.

I just don’t think my life would be as fun if the story went; She got married at 18 to the love of her life, had 10 children, and loved to garden.

Not that, that is a bad thing. It’s totally awesome if that is the case.

Just didn’t happen to me that way, so I’m stuck dating.

Or not dating. I think I might take a break from all the free dinners for a while.

I don’t think I’m really committed to finding the love of my life quite yet. Especially because I keep referring to it as “free dinner.”

Grandma

I’m just going to say it; I got scared to blog. I hadn’t blogged in a while and because of that I got nervous to blog again. Does this happen to you guys? I hope I’m not the only one who does this. It’s almost like a bad relationship… on again, off again, on again, off again…

But if you’ve ever read any of my previous posts, you would know that apparently I’m good at on again and off again relationships.

That was me making fun of myself… and no this is not me saying I got back together with my awful ex.

I told you guys I was done, and I meant it.

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I’ve done a lot of growing in this past year. I think thats what you’re supposed to do when you’re 21.

Life is supposed to be a constant whirl wind… and thats what it’s been.

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Brace yourself for all this:

So since January this is all that has happened: I quit my job, I moved back into my parents house, I got a new job (the same day I moved), met a boy, got my heart broken by that boy, moved on, had too much fun with friends, got refocused on my goals, had more too much fun with my friends, and my dearly loved, and admired great grandmother passed away.

 

My next blog post will be about my life, however; this post is a letter to her.

Hi Grandma,

I’m going to state the obvious… I miss you.

I’d pay lots of money to hear you laugh one more time. Although you’d tell me not to spend my money on something like that.

Grandma, you were a good one to me. You always accepted me for who I was, and you always cheered me on for who I am becoming. You and I became close at a fairly sad and confusing time in my life. (The exact same time I started this blog)

Of course I loved you long before two years ago. I have countless memories of you when I was little. However from middle school through high school I wasn’t around as much, and that’s my fault. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing it would be to spend more time with you.

I love the memories I have of you growing up, they’re special to me. It’s just that the past two and a half years really rocked with you consistently in my life. I discovered a lot about myself with your help… you probably never even realized it. I want to thank you for teaching me how to be strong-willed, and not to let people take advantage of my niceness.

A few days ago a guy was being rather rude to me. Normally I’d be the pathetic girl who would let him be mean, and then try to make it better again. Not this time. The very first thing that went through my head was, “my grandma would hate that I was letting someone be mean to me… she’d be so upset.” So I didn’t stand for it for one more second, and out the door the potential of that relationship went.

Thank you, Grandma. Thank you for helping me realize I deserve people being kind to me, and that I am a strong woman.

Grandma, I’m going to miss you for a long while. I was hoping I had found “the one” before you passed. But you help me find myself before you passed, and thats more important.

I’m so thankful you were in my life. I’m so thankful that you’re going to continue to be in my life. My strong-willed, humorous, thoughtful, personality are characteristics of you. That is how you are going to live on to me. You gave me pieces of you, and I am thankful.

I love you, Grandma. I miss you. I’ll talk to you soon.

Me.

 

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Home… sick

I’m home… sick. Not the emotional home sick either. I’m sick, and I’m at home. There’s a garbage can next to me just incase.

The following meme describes my thought process these past three days:

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I’m tired of tea, I’m tired of 7 up, I’m tired of saltine crackers, I’m tired of vegetable broth.  I’m whiny and grumpy. I want my mom.

Do you guys have a remedy to help me?

I get super dizzy quickly and I’m exhausted.

Please help.

 

Okay heres to my blog post:

Now I don’t know if you guys know or not but my dream is to someday live in Indianapolis.

“But why, Selina? Does anything happen there?” You all ask.

“I don’t have a clue as to why. It’s just a thing. It’s my destiny and I have to go.” Says me.

“Okay then.” You all say.

Me *jumps and skips and goes on about my boring day*

Some people have had this feeling about a husband, long term boyfriend, a pet, or a career path.

They say something along the lines of, “when you know, you know.”

And that’s how I feel about this city. The second I got there I knew I wanted to spend a good chunk of my life living there.

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I’ve even taken steps in order to be able to move there. For instance I’m saving!

Now on a scale of 0-Donald Trump on how much money I have saved, I’m about a .05%… so, I’m not quite there… yet. It’s going to happen. I’m trying my hardest though. I’m passionate about saving so I can move.

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I’m giving this challenge a try this year. In my career you get a lot of 5$ bills, so it’s worth a shot.

I have a five year plan. I’m actually going to Indianapolis soon so I can get a “lay of the land.” I want to see a few salons, see different living areas, eat at different restaurants, and get the vibe.

I belong in this city. How do you guys save? Do you have any tips or tricks? This sounds odd but I do better saving cash. If I have money on my bank card I will spend it. Cash guilts me into saving. I don’t know how or why, but its just what works for me.

These are some of my 2017 Motto’s:

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I’m… Good.

This is not how I ever pictured a breakup going.

I pictured more tears, long nights, over thinking at two in the morning, pints of ice cream, and feeling like I couldn’t go on.

However; that’s not my case.

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Yes, there have been tears. But they fall for a few minutes, and then I’m okay. I’m not going to block my feelings and my emotions. I’m determined to be over him. I know to just feel my emotions when I feel them. Its the correct way to deal with something.

There have been zero long nights, and unless I’m out with my friends, having a good time, I’m not up at two in the morning.

Also, there has been no ice cream, I don’t care for ice cream.

So much has already gone on in my life since that day… I feel like him and I happened a lifetime ago.

But today I received a text from someone him and I mutually know, saying they would return all my things to me… and I had a panic attack. I called my mom, pulled over on the side of the road, crying, couldn’t think straight, a full on panic attack.

I responded to the message by saying, “I don’t want them anymore. I’m doing well mentally, and you sending me things would be taking steps backwards. Please just throw everything away.”

That person and I talked for a few more minutes and that was that.

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I’ve calmed down now. I called a few people, I cooked a few things (I’m having thanksgiving at my house this year), I’ve listened to Christmas music. I’m good again, so please don’t worry.

I’ve done very well in being okay without him. I’m proud of myself, and I’m learning to enjoy things I didn’t know I liked doing.

I’m doing so good in life right now. I’m happy, I’m having fun, I’m doing more things. Life is going how its supposed to be going.

I’m… I’m doing just fine.

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This is for me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore”

-Beau Taplin

On and off for five years. But now it’s done. My heart is calm, and relaxed, I’m thankful, and I’m optimistic.

I’m not thankful in a “I’m glad he’s gone, he was the scum of the earth, good riddance,” type of way. More so a “I can’t do this up and down emotional rollercoaster, I know it has to end, I love you…goodbye” type of way.

It’s not that we didn’t love one another, it’s that we didn’t love one another the way someone deserved to be loved. It was too unsure, and so we had to say goodbye.

This post isn’t really for any reason, it’s more so for my heart. So I can get the words I need to say out in the open.

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. But overtime the things he did to my heart took a toll. People always said “you get to a point where you’ve had enough.” I never thought I’d get to that point though. But one day as he was belittling me on the phone telling me how horrible I was something clicked. Honestly, when I say something clicked I mean, something seriously went “click” in my head. I sat there and thought “why the heck am I letting this guy take one more second of my time” and I hung up, and we never talked again. Five years gone, just like that.

I was going to write “I guess that’s when I realized he wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was,” but that’s incorrect. I’m not bitter, and I’m not going to disrespect him like that. For five years I thought he was that amazing.

I do think I’m ready to date again, and that makes me excited. The past doesn’t interest me anymore.

I really loved him, I’ll never deny the fact that He was my favorite person for a very long time.  But often loving him was hard. It was tiring. It was it was lonely. I’m excited to find someone who reminds me that love is hard, but not that hard.

 

Dear Him,

I loved you. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my teenage years. Thank you. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I loved you from the moment I saw you at 15 years old, and I continued to love you until I was 21. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

I wish you so much joy in life. I hope you follow your dreams, and that you wake up every day knowing you have a purpose here on this earth. You’re worthy, you’re lovely, and you’re wonderful.

Thank you for showing me what love is, and what love isn’t. Thank you, thank you so much for everything, from the first time we said “hello” to the last time we said “goodbye.” Thank you for the memories.

I loved you, and thank you for loving me for the time that you did.

 

Love,

me.

 

OMG here I am again!

Look at me go… 2 days in a row.

And look at the rhyme…. I should be a rapper in no time.

Okay, I’m done.

I have done nothing but cooked lately, and I love it!

So far today I’ve made:

  • French Toast
  • French Fries
  • Spaghetti Squash
  • Apple Sauce
  • Pumpkin Purée
  • Pumpkin Bread
  • Cinnamon Pumpkin Seeds

I really wish I had a reason for all this, but I don’t.

Actually, here’s my reason: I wanted to.

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And you know what makes me even happier? I used the recipes as guidelines and I mainly went with the flow.

Now if you’re cooking for someone important, i.e. Beyoncé, please follow a recipe. Unless you’re Julia Child or something, then do your own thing. But if you’re just cooking at home for yourself or people you really know, go ahead and go with the flow. If the people truly love you they won’t mind… that much.

I really have been enjoying this new found love of cooking.

P.S

All I did for the pumpkin purée was get a small baby pumpkin (those ones that are like 5×5)  cut it in half, gut it, cut it into fifths, place in a baking sheet, put in oven at 350º for 40 minutes, then I blended it with water (add a little water at a time, and I can’t give an amount because once again I didn’t measure)

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Here’s the thing

I am the worlds worst blogger.

I have had nothing to blog about, so I haven’t.

I still don’t have anything to blog about, but here I am… attempting.

Nothing much has happened lately, and nothing exciting will probably happen tomorrow either.

This seems like a very negative blog post so we’ll cheer it up.

I’ve made a discovery… here it is… Trader Joe’s is the best place ever. Because I’ve recently discovered Trader Joes, I’ve rediscovered that cooking is fun and cheaper.

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I wanted to share twoHave you  new recipes that I’ve enjoyed lately.

“Cereal”

  1. Sliced Almonds
  2. coconut milk
  3. rasperries
  4. sliced banana

I’d give portion sizes but I don’t uses portion sizes… I’d say about a cup of almonds. 3/4 cup. Go crazy with the raspberries and bananas… I do.

“Stir Fry”

  1. Trader Joe’s Stir Fry Mix.
  2. 1 Cup riced cauliflower

I like to cook them separately. I sauté the stir fry mix in olive oil, and I cook the cauliflower in vegetable broth.

I’m horrible at writing recipes, oh well.

Are you guys watching the debate? That’s what is on right now.

I hope you’re educating yourself… as best as you can with these two.

Pray for our country, it needs it.

Have a lovely night!

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