This is for me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore”

-Beau Taplin

On and off for five years. But now it’s done. My heart is calm, and relaxed, I’m thankful, and I’m optimistic.

I’m not thankful in a “I’m glad he’s gone, he was the scum of the earth, good riddance,” type of way. More so a “I can’t do this up and down emotional rollercoaster, I know it has to end, I love you…goodbye” type of way.

It’s not that we didn’t love one another, it’s that we didn’t love one another the way someone deserved to be loved. It was too unsure, and so we had to say goodbye.

This post isn’t really for any reason, it’s more so for my heart. So I can get the words I need to say out in the open.

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. But overtime the things he did to my heart took a toll. People always said “you get to a point where you’ve had enough.” I never thought I’d get to that point though. But one day as he was belittling me on the phone telling me how horrible I was something clicked. Honestly, when I say something clicked I mean, something seriously went “click” in my head. I sat there and thought “why the heck am I letting this guy take one more second of my time” and I hung up, and we never talked again. Five years gone, just like that.

I was going to write “I guess that’s when I realized he wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was,” but that’s incorrect. I’m not bitter, and I’m not going to disrespect him like that. For five years I thought he was that amazing.

I do think I’m ready to date again, and that makes me excited. The past doesn’t interest me anymore.

I really loved him, I’ll never deny the fact that He was my favorite person for a very long time.  But often loving him was hard. It was tiring. It was it was lonely. I’m excited to find someone who reminds me that love is hard, but not that hard.

 

Dear Him,

I loved you. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my teenage years. Thank you. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I loved you from the moment I saw you at 15 years old, and I continued to love you until I was 21. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

I wish you so much joy in life. I hope you follow your dreams, and that you wake up every day knowing you have a purpose here on this earth. You’re worthy, you’re lovely, and you’re wonderful.

Thank you for showing me what love is, and what love isn’t. Thank you, thank you so much for everything, from the first time we said “hello” to the last time we said “goodbye.” Thank you for the memories.

I loved you, and thank you for loving me for the time that you did.

 

Love,

me.

 

Advertisements

Dear You,

“I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

I wanted to talk to you guys. I don’t have anything specific to talk about though. So here is my absolutely random blog post.

Dear you,

I hope your day was well. If it wasn’t, I hope you give tomorrow a shot at being a good day.

Do you ever just feel “eh”?

That’s how I feel today. It wasn’t a bad day, not even close, but I just feel “eh”.

(that could just be my enemy, Mr. Depression talking.)

Since I was feeling “eh”, I took myself out for ice cream. Which is a big deal in my mind. Friday night date night, party of one.

I’d keep talking about my ice cream, but I want to tell you guys about school now, so I’m changing the topic.

I love school. I love being there, I love learning, I love almost dozing off to the boring video tutorials we have to watch in class. Everything about the cosmetology craft is amazing to me.

My favorite things to do are mens cutting and blow-dries. Mens cutting is such an art. and Blow drying is the finishing touch to a beautiful new look.

I just love it.

When my ex jumped on a plane, moved to Colorado, and texted me that he didn’t love me anymore. I feel in love with myself. I didn’t really realize that I had put so much effort into loving him that I lost myself in the process.

It took me losing him to find myself.

You know who I also found again? God. Not that I ever lost him. You really can’t lose something when it’s everywhere you look, but I found God again for myself, intimately. How quick do we forget how awesome it is to have God on speed dial.

1-800-PRAYER

He rocks.

You rock.

That’s all she wrote.

Love you.