Flashback to October 17, 2014.
Technically October 18, 2014.
crying hysterically in the dorm bathroom on the phone with my friend saying “I can’t do this anymore.”
Picture me so upset that I got sick, and allowed myself to be sick for the following three days.
I never left my dorm. I hated that place, it was a never-ending anxiety attack. I woke up sweating, I was always calling my mother.
I had no one, I couldn’t explain what was happening to me, I just sat there.
It was like I was a living, breathing body, but what made me, “me” was not there anymore.
Isn’t depression and anxiety, fun?
Gosh all those tumblr posts that romanticize depression/anxiety sure have it wrong.
Fun fact, it isn’t beautiful, it isn’t poetic, it’s scary as hell.
Living with depression is complicated and confusing. One second you’re fine, then the next the “black cloud” appears and you almost forget that there are good days.
There are good days though.
Fast forward to January 6, 2015.
I’m still in the dark place, I’m still sad.
But I have these two amazing grandparents who love me. They loved me so much, they took me to the doctor’s and made sure I was prescribed medication for depression.
A week later I got a job, then another one.
A couple of weeks later I started to notice that there were more good days than bad days.
I started to realize that life isn’t meant to be lived in a “dark cloud” it’s meant to be lived with more good days than bad.
Yeah, there are good days, and bad days, but more often than not, they are good days.
Continuing onto May 16, 2015. I move into my first apartment.
It’s cute, and tiny, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I go to sleep that night calm. I am not worried about the future, I am confident about the future.
I don’t have the same feeling as I did my first night at college. I am calm, happy, optimistic, and sure.
Present day: June 14, 2015
I have cosmetology school orientation tomorrow and I can’t freaking wait. All I want to do is meet new people, and make new best friends, and goof off with them, and be the person that my Creator intended for me to be.
The whole point of this post is to basically say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may start off as a pitch, black, scary tunnel, but there is a light.
So whether you’re in the midst of the darkness, seeing the light, or have been in the light for a while now, just know that God didn’t make us to have more bad days than good. He made us to do His work, and use our talents to honor and glorify Him.
He didn’t make us to be scared, depressed people. He loves us too much for us to be anything less than awesome, and glorifying.
I hope you enjoyed this post.
I wanted to give a special thank you to my grandparents, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’m not sure I’d be here at all in all honesty. No combination of 26 letters could describe how much I love you, and how grateful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for never once giving up on me, and always encouraging me to follow my dreams.
Have a good night!!
I’ll tell you all about school asap!!