Depression: 1, Me: 0

Depression wins today.

I do not want to do anything. and I have no desire to be anything except sad.

I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m just venting.

sidenote: I accidentally wrote the previous sentence as “Im not asking for thanksgiving.” I don’t know why I wrote that. Clearly Thanksgiving is on my mind.

Anyways, I’m just going to sit and be sad today. Which sucks, because today isn’t a bad day at all.

I went up north this weekend to see my puppies. Last night when I arrived my brother came home and instead of making plans he hung out with me, and I thought that was nice. Then this morning we went out for breakfast, which is my favorite. Then we watched a movie. We’ve just hung out all day, and its been so fun. Sibling is napping right now.

So, see, today is not bad at all.

It sucks feeling so empty and having such a great day.

Ha! I think thats the definition of depression.

What do you guys do when you’re sad?

Dear You,

“I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

I wanted to talk to you guys. I don’t have anything specific to talk about though. So here is my absolutely random blog post.

Dear you,

I hope your day was well. If it wasn’t, I hope you give tomorrow a shot at being a good day.

Do you ever just feel “eh”?

That’s how I feel today. It wasn’t a bad day, not even close, but I just feel “eh”.

(that could just be my enemy, Mr. Depression talking.)

Since I was feeling “eh”, I took myself out for ice cream. Which is a big deal in my mind. Friday night date night, party of one.

I’d keep talking about my ice cream, but I want to tell you guys about school now, so I’m changing the topic.

I love school. I love being there, I love learning, I love almost dozing off to the boring video tutorials we have to watch in class. Everything about the cosmetology craft is amazing to me.

My favorite things to do are mens cutting and blow-dries. Mens cutting is such an art. and Blow drying is the finishing touch to a beautiful new look.

I just love it.

When my ex jumped on a plane, moved to Colorado, and texted me that he didn’t love me anymore. I feel in love with myself. I didn’t really realize that I had put so much effort into loving him that I lost myself in the process.

It took me losing him to find myself.

You know who I also found again? God. Not that I ever lost him. You really can’t lose something when it’s everywhere you look, but I found God again for myself, intimately. How quick do we forget how awesome it is to have God on speed dial.

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He rocks.

You rock.

That’s all she wrote.

Love you.

A boy called me fat.

First of all before I dive into this post I’d just like to say that the boys of Grand Rapids, Michigan suck.

I went on a date last night. It was going fine but I couldn’t help but notice that he wasn’t very talkative and he wouldn’t look at me. I just thought he was a quiet person or something.

Nope.

He’s just an ass. There is no other word to describe him.

I wake up to a text this morning and it says “you were bigger than I was expecting, why did you hide that?”

I responded by saying “and you’re a much bigger ass than I was expecting, why did you hide that from me?”

there will not be a second date.

I know boys don’t defy your self worth and all that, but it sucks.

I knew I had gain some weight since starting school, but I didn’t realize It was so bad that I would be judged for it.

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As if I didn’t hate myself enough. Thank you, sir, I’m glad you felt like it was your civil duty to make me feel like complete and utter shit. It means a lot. As if I didn’t already have depression, and let things get to me easily.

Sorry guys, I had to vent.

I need a moment.

Flashback to October 17, 2014.

Technically October 18, 2014.

About 12:30am.

Picture this,

me…

crying hysterically in the dorm bathroom on the phone with my friend saying “I can’t do this anymore.”

Picture me so upset that I got sick, and allowed myself to be sick for the following three days.

I never left my dorm. I hated that place, it was a never-ending anxiety attack. I woke up sweating, I was always calling my mother.

I had no one, I couldn’t explain what was happening to me, I just sat there.

It was like I was a living, breathing body, but what made me, “me” was not there anymore.

Isn’t depression and anxiety, fun?

Gosh all those tumblr posts that romanticize depression/anxiety sure have it wrong.

Fun fact, it isn’t beautiful, it isn’t poetic, it’s scary as hell.

Living with depression is complicated and confusing. One second you’re fine, then the next the “black cloud” appears and you almost forget that there are good days.

There are good days though.

Fast forward to January 6, 2015.

I’m still in the dark place, I’m still sad.

But I have these two amazing grandparents who love me. They loved me so much, they took me to the doctor’s and made sure I was prescribed medication for depression.

A week later I got a job, then another one.

A couple of weeks later I started to notice that there were more good days than bad days.

I started to realize that life isn’t meant to be lived in a “dark cloud” it’s meant to be lived with more good days than bad.

Yeah, there are good days, and bad days, but more often than not, they are good days.

Continuing onto May 16, 2015. I move into my first apartment.

It’s cute, and tiny, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I go to sleep that night calm. I am not worried about the future, I am confident about the future.

I don’t have the same feeling as I did my first night at college. I am calm, happy, optimistic, and sure.

Present day: June 14, 2015

11:00pm

I have cosmetology school orientation tomorrow and I can’t freaking wait. All I want to do is meet new people, and make new best friends, and goof off with them, and be the person that my Creator intended for me to be.

The whole point of this post is to basically say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may start off as a pitch, black, scary tunnel, but there is a light.

So whether you’re in the midst of the darkness, seeing the light, or have been in the light for a while now, just know that God didn’t make us to have more bad days than good. He made us to do His work, and use our talents to honor and glorify Him.

He didn’t make us to be scared, depressed people. He loves us too much for us to be anything less than awesome, and glorifying.

I hope you enjoyed this post.

I wanted to give a special thank you to my grandparents, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’m not sure I’d be here at all in all honesty. No combination of 26 letters could describe how much I love you, and how grateful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for never once giving up on me, and always encouraging me to follow my dreams.

Have a good night!!

I’ll tell you all about school asap!!

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I’m sad today.

today was one of my bad days.

I lowercased all of that because thats my mood right now, lowercase, sad, gloomy, uninspired.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have depression. If I haven’t mentioned it then I will now. I have depression.

I have good days and bad days. I’m on medication and I do have more good days then bad days now, but today is a bad day.

My ratio of bad days are like 1:30 days a month. So only really one bad day every once in a while.

But unfortunately today is that day.

And what sucks the most is I knew it was going to happen, I sensed it last night before I went to bed. I felt the black dog coming closer to me. (I like to describe depression as a scary black dangerous dog.)

I tried everything too.

I went to church.

I got coffee.

I did my hair.

I looked cute.

I played with makeup.

Nothing.

So here I am, blogging. And it’s kind of helping. I feel like I’m actually talking to a friend. You guys are my friends by the way. All 51 of you are the bomb. Thanks for being my friend, all by choice.

But I did make a video today and I wanted to share it with you!

Here is the link!

PRODUCTS I REGRET BUYING

I don’t have a professional camera, and whatnot so don’t judge the quality.

Actually, don’t judge in general. It’s rude and nothing but heartbreaking for the person who is being judged.

I took this from tumblr:

Do you think God ever gets sad? Like, “What do you mean, you don’t love yourself? I worked so hard on you….”

I think He does. I know He worked on me and I am His, but I think He also knows that I can’t help this feeling right now.

I’m learning to love myself. Just not today.