This is for me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore”

-Beau Taplin

On and off for five years. But now it’s done. My heart is calm, and relaxed, I’m thankful, and I’m optimistic.

I’m not thankful in a “I’m glad he’s gone, he was the scum of the earth, good riddance,” type of way. More so a “I can’t do this up and down emotional rollercoaster, I know it has to end, I love you…goodbye” type of way.

It’s not that we didn’t love one another, it’s that we didn’t love one another the way someone deserved to be loved. It was too unsure, and so we had to say goodbye.

This post isn’t really for any reason, it’s more so for my heart. So I can get the words I need to say out in the open.

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. But overtime the things he did to my heart took a toll. People always said “you get to a point where you’ve had enough.” I never thought I’d get to that point though. But one day as he was belittling me on the phone telling me how horrible I was something clicked. Honestly, when I say something clicked I mean, something seriously went “click” in my head. I sat there and thought “why the heck am I letting this guy take one more second of my time” and I hung up, and we never talked again. Five years gone, just like that.

I was going to write “I guess that’s when I realized he wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was,” but that’s incorrect. I’m not bitter, and I’m not going to disrespect him like that. For five years I thought he was that amazing.

I do think I’m ready to date again, and that makes me excited. The past doesn’t interest me anymore.

I really loved him, I’ll never deny the fact that He was my favorite person for a very long time.  But often loving him was hard. It was tiring. It was it was lonely. I’m excited to find someone who reminds me that love is hard, but not that hard.

 

Dear Him,

I loved you. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my teenage years. Thank you. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I loved you from the moment I saw you at 15 years old, and I continued to love you until I was 21. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

I wish you so much joy in life. I hope you follow your dreams, and that you wake up every day knowing you have a purpose here on this earth. You’re worthy, you’re lovely, and you’re wonderful.

Thank you for showing me what love is, and what love isn’t. Thank you, thank you so much for everything, from the first time we said “hello” to the last time we said “goodbye.” Thank you for the memories.

I loved you, and thank you for loving me for the time that you did.

 

Love,

me.

 

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Mine.

So I’ve been on this whole “self-seeking” journey these past few months.

I like to say that I’m dating myself.

“I’ve been single for a while now, and I must say, it’s going very well. Like it’s working out… I think I’m the one.” -Anonymous

I don’t want to date anyone else but myself for now.

That way, the only person that can break my heart is me. And I know what it felt like last time to have a broken heart so I probably won’t.

But if my heart does break again, then I only have myself to blame.

This is not to say I won’t be going on any more awful dates ever again. It just means that I don’t want to date right now.

It’s too time consuming and emotional. I am not looking for emotions at this time. I’m literally emotionally unavailable.

I’m so content at this time in my life, I am too scare to let a boy come in, cause a ruckus, mess things up, and leave.

I’m scared to love again at this point, and thats fine. I really don’t want to love. It’s overrated.

To be honest, when I look back on my past relationship I just think he put me through Hell and I called it love. Because no matter how much I thought I loved Calvin, the only thing I learned in that relationship was what love wasn’t.

  • Love isn’t tears 4/7 days a week.
  • It isn’t worrying that he overdosed on some laced form of weed if you haven’t heard from him in three days.
  • It’s not begging him to stay, because you’re afraid to be alone.
  • It isn’t torture.
  • Get it through your head. Love isn’t tragic or torture or some depressing love poem. It’s not an episode of Grey’s Anatomy or The Titanic.

However; Love is:

  • Grandma and grandpa who met when they were like 2 and never loved anyone else.
  • laughing until you cry 4/7 days a week
  • it’s arguments, but not arguments that end in him storming out, smoking a joint, then coming back higher that a kite on Mt. Kilimanjaro
  • It’s simple. And annoying. Because let’s face it, boys are aggravating, and girls are obnoxious.
  • Love isn’t Hell. We just all want love so badly we will label it whenever we get a slight chance.

So, maybe someday I will find love, or maybe someday Paul George (indian pacers basketball player) will realize I’m his soulmate. As for now though, I am to stubborn, and happy, to risk a dumb boy coming into my life and messing with my head.

PS

I really hope Paul George realizes I’m his soulmate soon. If he realized that, I would get ready for love real quick.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got to say about this icky love shizzzz.

Bye! ❤ ❤