Part 2

I start college on Monday.

Yup. You read me correctly. I’m going back to college.

And yes, I am scared out of my mind.

If you don’t recall I started this blog in January/February 2014. One month after I left college. I was sad, confused, lonely, and scared. Going to that school was the absolute worst experience I’ve ever had. I’m scared to death to fall into that mental state again.

I think I was numb. In lack of a better example; it’s like I’m a recovering drug addict, I’ve been in recovery for a while, and I’m terrified to relapse. Except instead of drugs, its depression and I’m scared that going back to school might be my trigger to relapse.

Except one very important thing is very different.

I am not that girl anymore. I am happy and social. Unfortunately, I am still confused about almost everything in life. And don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared. But I’ve learned that just because I’m afraid doesn’t mean I get to chicken out. I have to be bold and I can’t let fear stop me.

So, here I go. Wide-eyed, ready, and trembling in my boots.

Wish me luck, It’s my first day of college part 2!

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One Week Later

It’s been a sad week, guys.

It’s been a great week, guys.

Yes, I cried my fair share of tears this week. They’re justified tears though. Although I’m a firm believer that tears never need to be justified. If you need to cry, then you cry, honey.

Anyways, my tears were for my grandma. When you lose one of the main people in your circle, it would be bizarre not to mourn them.

But, it has been a great week nonetheless.

First off, I made a friend. A real one! One that has a physical form, and can converse back with me. I know, guys! I’m shocked too. Seriously, I got invited to a party this weekend. It’s a legit friendship. I’ve known this friend for a while, but we just decided to actually start hanging out.

I also start working full time next week, I thought I was going to start in June! So that was a pleasant surprise. I’m thankful.

How good can life get right now, guys?

Of course I miss my grandma. I’m still at the stage where I’m forgetting she’s gone. I even told myself I was going to go visit her tomorrow. I forgot I couldn’t.

I’m always going to miss my grandma, she was wonderful, I wish you could’ve met her too.

I know she’s not going to see this, but I just had to let her know that I’m okay.

Life isn’t going to be the same without her.

But life is great because I had her.

I love you, grandma.

Everybody misses you, but everybody’s fine.

Grandma

I’m just going to say it; I got scared to blog. I hadn’t blogged in a while and because of that I got nervous to blog again. Does this happen to you guys? I hope I’m not the only one who does this. It’s almost like a bad relationship… on again, off again, on again, off again…

But if you’ve ever read any of my previous posts, you would know that apparently I’m good at on again and off again relationships.

That was me making fun of myself… and no this is not me saying I got back together with my awful ex.

I told you guys I was done, and I meant it.

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I’ve done a lot of growing in this past year. I think thats what you’re supposed to do when you’re 21.

Life is supposed to be a constant whirl wind… and thats what it’s been.

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Brace yourself for all this:

So since January this is all that has happened: I quit my job, I moved back into my parents house, I got a new job (the same day I moved), met a boy, got my heart broken by that boy, moved on, had too much fun with friends, got refocused on my goals, had more too much fun with my friends, and my dearly loved, and admired great grandmother passed away.

 

My next blog post will be about my life, however; this post is a letter to her.

Hi Grandma,

I’m going to state the obvious… I miss you.

I’d pay lots of money to hear you laugh one more time. Although you’d tell me not to spend my money on something like that.

Grandma, you were a good one to me. You always accepted me for who I was, and you always cheered me on for who I am becoming. You and I became close at a fairly sad and confusing time in my life. (The exact same time I started this blog)

Of course I loved you long before two years ago. I have countless memories of you when I was little. However from middle school through high school I wasn’t around as much, and that’s my fault. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing it would be to spend more time with you.

I love the memories I have of you growing up, they’re special to me. It’s just that the past two and a half years really rocked with you consistently in my life. I discovered a lot about myself with your help… you probably never even realized it. I want to thank you for teaching me how to be strong-willed, and not to let people take advantage of my niceness.

A few days ago a guy was being rather rude to me. Normally I’d be the pathetic girl who would let him be mean, and then try to make it better again. Not this time. The very first thing that went through my head was, “my grandma would hate that I was letting someone be mean to me… she’d be so upset.” So I didn’t stand for it for one more second, and out the door the potential of that relationship went.

Thank you, Grandma. Thank you for helping me realize I deserve people being kind to me, and that I am a strong woman.

Grandma, I’m going to miss you for a long while. I was hoping I had found “the one” before you passed. But you help me find myself before you passed, and thats more important.

I’m so thankful you were in my life. I’m so thankful that you’re going to continue to be in my life. My strong-willed, humorous, thoughtful, personality are characteristics of you. That is how you are going to live on to me. You gave me pieces of you, and I am thankful.

I love you, Grandma. I miss you. I’ll talk to you soon.

Me.

 

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Home… sick

I’m home… sick. Not the emotional home sick either. I’m sick, and I’m at home. There’s a garbage can next to me just incase.

The following meme describes my thought process these past three days:

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I’m tired of tea, I’m tired of 7 up, I’m tired of saltine crackers, I’m tired of vegetable broth.  I’m whiny and grumpy. I want my mom.

Do you guys have a remedy to help me?

I get super dizzy quickly and I’m exhausted.

Please help.

 

Okay heres to my blog post:

Now I don’t know if you guys know or not but my dream is to someday live in Indianapolis.

“But why, Selina? Does anything happen there?” You all ask.

“I don’t have a clue as to why. It’s just a thing. It’s my destiny and I have to go.” Says me.

“Okay then.” You all say.

Me *jumps and skips and goes on about my boring day*

Some people have had this feeling about a husband, long term boyfriend, a pet, or a career path.

They say something along the lines of, “when you know, you know.”

And that’s how I feel about this city. The second I got there I knew I wanted to spend a good chunk of my life living there.

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I’ve even taken steps in order to be able to move there. For instance I’m saving!

Now on a scale of 0-Donald Trump on how much money I have saved, I’m about a .05%… so, I’m not quite there… yet. It’s going to happen. I’m trying my hardest though. I’m passionate about saving so I can move.

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I’m giving this challenge a try this year. In my career you get a lot of 5$ bills, so it’s worth a shot.

I have a five year plan. I’m actually going to Indianapolis soon so I can get a “lay of the land.” I want to see a few salons, see different living areas, eat at different restaurants, and get the vibe.

I belong in this city. How do you guys save? Do you have any tips or tricks? This sounds odd but I do better saving cash. If I have money on my bank card I will spend it. Cash guilts me into saving. I don’t know how or why, but its just what works for me.

These are some of my 2017 Motto’s:

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This is for me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore”

-Beau Taplin

On and off for five years. But now it’s done. My heart is calm, and relaxed, I’m thankful, and I’m optimistic.

I’m not thankful in a “I’m glad he’s gone, he was the scum of the earth, good riddance,” type of way. More so a “I can’t do this up and down emotional rollercoaster, I know it has to end, I love you…goodbye” type of way.

It’s not that we didn’t love one another, it’s that we didn’t love one another the way someone deserved to be loved. It was too unsure, and so we had to say goodbye.

This post isn’t really for any reason, it’s more so for my heart. So I can get the words I need to say out in the open.

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. But overtime the things he did to my heart took a toll. People always said “you get to a point where you’ve had enough.” I never thought I’d get to that point though. But one day as he was belittling me on the phone telling me how horrible I was something clicked. Honestly, when I say something clicked I mean, something seriously went “click” in my head. I sat there and thought “why the heck am I letting this guy take one more second of my time” and I hung up, and we never talked again. Five years gone, just like that.

I was going to write “I guess that’s when I realized he wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was,” but that’s incorrect. I’m not bitter, and I’m not going to disrespect him like that. For five years I thought he was that amazing.

I do think I’m ready to date again, and that makes me excited. The past doesn’t interest me anymore.

I really loved him, I’ll never deny the fact that He was my favorite person for a very long time.  But often loving him was hard. It was tiring. It was it was lonely. I’m excited to find someone who reminds me that love is hard, but not that hard.

 

Dear Him,

I loved you. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my teenage years. Thank you. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I loved you from the moment I saw you at 15 years old, and I continued to love you until I was 21. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

I wish you so much joy in life. I hope you follow your dreams, and that you wake up every day knowing you have a purpose here on this earth. You’re worthy, you’re lovely, and you’re wonderful.

Thank you for showing me what love is, and what love isn’t. Thank you, thank you so much for everything, from the first time we said “hello” to the last time we said “goodbye.” Thank you for the memories.

I loved you, and thank you for loving me for the time that you did.

 

Love,

me.

 

Here’s the thing

I am the worlds worst blogger.

I have had nothing to blog about, so I haven’t.

I still don’t have anything to blog about, but here I am… attempting.

Nothing much has happened lately, and nothing exciting will probably happen tomorrow either.

This seems like a very negative blog post so we’ll cheer it up.

I’ve made a discovery… here it is… Trader Joe’s is the best place ever. Because I’ve recently discovered Trader Joes, I’ve rediscovered that cooking is fun and cheaper.

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I wanted to share twoHave you  new recipes that I’ve enjoyed lately.

“Cereal”

  1. Sliced Almonds
  2. coconut milk
  3. rasperries
  4. sliced banana

I’d give portion sizes but I don’t uses portion sizes… I’d say about a cup of almonds. 3/4 cup. Go crazy with the raspberries and bananas… I do.

“Stir Fry”

  1. Trader Joe’s Stir Fry Mix.
  2. 1 Cup riced cauliflower

I like to cook them separately. I sauté the stir fry mix in olive oil, and I cook the cauliflower in vegetable broth.

I’m horrible at writing recipes, oh well.

Are you guys watching the debate? That’s what is on right now.

I hope you’re educating yourself… as best as you can with these two.

Pray for our country, it needs it.

Have a lovely night!

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Falling off the Wagon

So I haven’t ran in four days. FOUR. Boy do I feel like crap.

Day 1: There was a tornado, so I took shelter. Then my anxiety was too high so I went to sleep.

Day 2: I just didn’t want to. I didn’t feel the greatest.

Day 3/4: Sick. Like I had no voice, my throat hurt, my head hurt, and I ached.

But I’m starting to feel better. I’m going to go on a run night. I’m not feeling 100% but I’m good enough to run.

I did realize something though. On day 2-4 I didn’t drink my normal amount of water that I usually drink. All I drink now is water, and these past few days was abnormal. I think that could’ve had something to do with it.

I love water. I love the benefits of it. I used to love Dr. Pepper and then one day I just gave it up. Every time I wanted a Dr. Pepper I drank water instead (that would probably explain why I drank about 10 glasses of water a day). Now I don’t even think about it. Water is my go to, it’s what I want, and what I like.

Sidenote: The tornado was scary. Sirens were going off and everything. I was at work and we had to take our clients into the back room. I wanted my mom.

Do you guys know of any really good vegetarian recipes? Or any good bloggers that post vegetarian recipes? I’m tired of looking on Pinterest. It’s the same dang thing, “zucchini this, zucchini that.” I like zucchini, but I might go insane.

PLEASE SEND HELP.

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Uh, Ouch!

So today, like every other Tuesday is my day off.

It beautiful here in the mitten state. I went to the pool.

Now, if any of you are pale you understand how horrible of an idea this was. I am sunburned to a crisp.

At work we have this nail polish called “Lobster Roll” by CND Vinylux. I am that color.

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I hope you guys are having a lovely week so far. Tomorrow it will be half way over and then it will be the weekend! Unless you work weekends, then that means nothing to you. I work Saturday, which is my 21st birthday! Woot!

I probably won’t be on here until after my birthday. I don’t really know what I’m doing for it. Maybe I’ll go out and have fun, maybe I’ll go to bed early. Either one sounds like something I would happily do.

What do you think? Should I go dancing and have fun with my friends? Should I stay home have some friends over and then sleep? I really don’t know. 50% of me wants to go out so I have no regrets and the other 50% of me is channeling my inner grandma and wants to stay at home.

Anyways, I just wanted to come on here quickly say a little “hello.”

Stay safe, loved, happy, and educated.

Love,

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Me

Orlando

What happened in Orlando today is absolutely awful.

Those people are gone, forever and there’s nothing we can do about it. All those people mattered to someone.

50 people had moms that wanted phone calls the next day. Had siblings that loved them, grandparents that spoiled them, best friends that wanted to hang out tomorrow. They all had someone. Those people mattered to other people.

As I’ve gotten older, the more emotional I get when I find out things like this happen. When you’re little, you don’t understand, and that’s okay. When you’re five, your biggest concern should be what crayon color to use for your coloring book.

When you get older your concerns get bigger, and that sucks. You worry for you family, and hope they’re safe at all times. You get nervous when you’re walking to your car at night. You make sure you lock the door every night. You’ve heard the stories on the news, so you worry more. It’s only natural.

And now this tragedy occurred.

50 people had plans. One of them could’ve had plans to be a lawyer, and maybe another one was just trying to make it through the day, we don’t know. Maybe one was in med school, one could’ve just passed their cosmetology exam, another one could’ve just gotten  their first tattoo. It doesn’t matter what they were doing, what they aspired to be, what they believed, or where they were from. They were someone. They were someone that mattered.

America is sad today.

I hope those families know that America is here for them. From Michigan to Maine, Connecticut to California, we are here for them.

I hope you’re well, I hope you know you’re loved. I hope you stay safe. Call your mom, she loves you. Call your dad, he’s tough but he thinks the world of you. Hug your friends. Because there are 50 people in this world that left too soon and didn’t get to say “I love you” one last time.

I’ve had nothing to post lately, maybe tomorrow I’ll post about what I’ve been up to considering a lot has changed since everything is different. I love you.

Stay amazing,

Selina.

Telling People No

You learn a lot about someone when you tell them “thanks but no thanks.” For instance; they become upset, like you’re personally attacking them.

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I recently accepted a job for when I’m done with school! Hooray!

It was my number one choice out of the salon/spas that I applied to. So naturally, when they offered me the job, I calmly said “I’d love to!” While inside I was holding back the urge to cry, and hug my new boss.

Once I accepted the job, I realized I now have to make a few phone calls and cancel some of my interviews I had set up at other salons. When I called and said “I had an interview on (whatever day) but I have to cancel because I recently accepted another job but thank you for the opportunity.”

Most of them were very kind, one girl even said “Congratulations!”

However, I’ve also gotten “K. Thanks for not wasting out time. *click*”

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And in that phone conversation it taught me everything I needed to know about that salon. I learned that if I were to have worked there, I’d have hated in two seconds. And that the Lord was looking out for me.

Whatever, I wish that salon the best of luck. And I am super excited about my job to the point that nothing is going to stop me from being in this happiness.

Also! I finally am moving too, and I already have a roommate! Thank the Lord, rent is going to be so much cheaper now!

I hope you all are having a beautiful day, its gorgeous in Michigan today, and its warmish.

I love you all!

Hope to talk to you soon-soonish, much is happening in these next few weeks. I’ll keep you updated, I’ll try.

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