Free Dinner

Can we all just accumulatively agree that dating sucks?

Seriously, finding the love of your life is difficult.

You know when people say something along the lines of “you gotta date some losers, so you appreciate the good one when he comes along.” Well, I’m in the loser stage. Thats not even to say that all of them were losers.

But they were.

Like, how could you not like me? I’m hilarious, charming, and charismatic. And you won’t give me the time of day. Geesh. Like I said; finding the love of your life is difficult.

I’m definitely more so in the “casual dating” part of dating. I’m not really looking for anything serious. I don’t think I’m ready for anything real serious right now.

I just want someone who wants to catch a movie, go go-cart riding, eat pasta, and maybe take a walk.

I’ve loved and gained (I refuse to count that love as a loss), and I know I will love again. However; having someone to hangout with and buy you dinner doesn’t suck.

So like I said, causally dating. It’s hard though, because I want to just casually date, but I’m also a girl and I over think things. Constantly after a first date I’m thinking, “what if he doesn’t call?” and then he doesn’t and I get sad. Then I realize… I didn’t call him either,  because I didn’t want to. So once I realize the feeling was mutual of no second date, I’m okay.

Girls are silly, we can over thing ourselves into a frenzy. Convincing ourselves he’s the love of our life because he remembered you’re allergic to olives.

I’ve had a lot of first dates that definitely don’t lead to second dates. Thats okay though. When you’re 21 and single thats how it should be.

I just don’t think my life would be as fun if the story went; She got married at 18 to the love of her life, had 10 children, and loved to garden.

Not that, that is a bad thing. It’s totally awesome if that is the case.

Just didn’t happen to me that way, so I’m stuck dating.

Or not dating. I think I might take a break from all the free dinners for a while.

I don’t think I’m really committed to finding the love of my life quite yet. Especially because I keep referring to it as “free dinner.”

I’m… Good.

This is not how I ever pictured a breakup going.

I pictured more tears, long nights, over thinking at two in the morning, pints of ice cream, and feeling like I couldn’t go on.

However; that’s not my case.

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Yes, there have been tears. But they fall for a few minutes, and then I’m okay. I’m not going to block my feelings and my emotions. I’m determined to be over him. I know to just feel my emotions when I feel them. Its the correct way to deal with something.

There have been zero long nights, and unless I’m out with my friends, having a good time, I’m not up at two in the morning.

Also, there has been no ice cream, I don’t care for ice cream.

So much has already gone on in my life since that day… I feel like him and I happened a lifetime ago.

But today I received a text from someone him and I mutually know, saying they would return all my things to me… and I had a panic attack. I called my mom, pulled over on the side of the road, crying, couldn’t think straight, a full on panic attack.

I responded to the message by saying, “I don’t want them anymore. I’m doing well mentally, and you sending me things would be taking steps backwards. Please just throw everything away.”

That person and I talked for a few more minutes and that was that.

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I’ve calmed down now. I called a few people, I cooked a few things (I’m having thanksgiving at my house this year), I’ve listened to Christmas music. I’m good again, so please don’t worry.

I’ve done very well in being okay without him. I’m proud of myself, and I’m learning to enjoy things I didn’t know I liked doing.

I’m doing so good in life right now. I’m happy, I’m having fun, I’m doing more things. Life is going how its supposed to be going.

I’m… I’m doing just fine.

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This is for me

“I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will no longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust, or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore”

-Beau Taplin

On and off for five years. But now it’s done. My heart is calm, and relaxed, I’m thankful, and I’m optimistic.

I’m not thankful in a “I’m glad he’s gone, he was the scum of the earth, good riddance,” type of way. More so a “I can’t do this up and down emotional rollercoaster, I know it has to end, I love you…goodbye” type of way.

It’s not that we didn’t love one another, it’s that we didn’t love one another the way someone deserved to be loved. It was too unsure, and so we had to say goodbye.

This post isn’t really for any reason, it’s more so for my heart. So I can get the words I need to say out in the open.

I loved him. I loved him with my whole heart. But overtime the things he did to my heart took a toll. People always said “you get to a point where you’ve had enough.” I never thought I’d get to that point though. But one day as he was belittling me on the phone telling me how horrible I was something clicked. Honestly, when I say something clicked I mean, something seriously went “click” in my head. I sat there and thought “why the heck am I letting this guy take one more second of my time” and I hung up, and we never talked again. Five years gone, just like that.

I was going to write “I guess that’s when I realized he wasn’t as amazing as I thought he was,” but that’s incorrect. I’m not bitter, and I’m not going to disrespect him like that. For five years I thought he was that amazing.

I do think I’m ready to date again, and that makes me excited. The past doesn’t interest me anymore.

I really loved him, I’ll never deny the fact that He was my favorite person for a very long time.  But often loving him was hard. It was tiring. It was it was lonely. I’m excited to find someone who reminds me that love is hard, but not that hard.

 

Dear Him,

I loved you. You gave me some of the happiest memories of my teenage years. Thank you. Thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I loved you from the moment I saw you at 15 years old, and I continued to love you until I was 21. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

I wish you so much joy in life. I hope you follow your dreams, and that you wake up every day knowing you have a purpose here on this earth. You’re worthy, you’re lovely, and you’re wonderful.

Thank you for showing me what love is, and what love isn’t. Thank you, thank you so much for everything, from the first time we said “hello” to the last time we said “goodbye.” Thank you for the memories.

I loved you, and thank you for loving me for the time that you did.

 

Love,

me.

 

Prayer

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You know that quote; “All I need is a little bit of coffee, and a whole lotta Jesus”?

Well, it’s false. I just need Jesus.

If I’m being honest, which I am, my prayer life is poor. I am the Christian who goes to God when I have a problem.

Corrie ten Boom asked; “is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?” Unfortunately I don’t even think prayer is my spare tire. I think it’s an old flat tire I have out in the shed somewhere covered in dust.

Then I realized that the only reason that my prayer life is bad is because I let it get this way. It isn’t like I sit down to pray and God says “hold on Selina, John Smith in Timbuktu’s issue is more important than yours, come back later.”

He’s not doing that. In fact He’s the one waiting patiently for me to come to Him and I’m the one saying “hold on God, I’m too tired, I’m too busy, I’ll pray tomorrow, come back later.”

Guess who keeps showing up to talk to me… guess who keeps giving Him excuses…a8610cc9ce77ed2866be58f8d03bec2f.jpg

I’m fixing that though. I’m 100% determined to become the woman He created me to be. I don’t know who that is yet, but I know it’s better than whatever it is that I’m trying to do.

Everything seems so small once I talk to Him.

I’m going to throw it back to Sunday School by saying this. but He really does have the whole world in His hands.

I can’t say that I have an exact step by step plan on how I’m going to fix my relationship with God, but hey welcome to the whole point of this blog. I’m just one big “I’m not sure but I’m going to try.”

I do know that I’m going to start with prayer, and that’s all I know for now.

I can guarantee you my prayers are not going to be beautiful and poetic, those types of prayers are nice but they don’t speak from my heart. Big and fancy words are also not something I’m going to be throwing in there. I think my prayers are more like a conversation with Him, which is kind of how I like it. Considering I’m determined to let God become my new best friend.

I have hope in this new journey I’m taking.

That’s all I’ve got.

If you’re still reading this babble, Thank you, I love you, and have a lovely night.

 

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Today I’m not a badass.

So I know most days I’m this fearless, outspoken, queen of Grand Rapids, but today I just can’t be.

Guys, you totally know I’m kidding.

Although I love myself, I do not have this mentality about myself.

I hope you get what I mean though. Like most days I wake up and I’m like “okay, self, lets do this”, then I cue the Beyoncé and “do this” as I wrote.

But today, today is not one of those days.

Today is a day that I missed my bed before I even left it.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotions lately and I don’t know why. Seriously, no more than 10 minutes ago I was in my bathtub crying. Why, you may ask. Well, because I’m a girl and I felt like I needed to cry, so I did.

I also have to admit that I’ve been seriously lacking in being a Godly woman these days. The feeling I have been dealing with the most lately is regret.

I know I’m a normal 20 year old girl, and many of us all deal with the same temptations, but before I’m a 20 year old girl, I am a child of God.

I know I can go to Him for anything, because He loves me, and views me as if walk on water, but I just feel bad.

Like what am I going to say, “Hey Big Guy, I know its been awhile, but (insert poor excuses here).

I know I just need to ask for forgiveness and I’ll be forgiven but let’s be honest, it’s not that easy in the mortal world.

It’s way easier to just sulk, feel bad, eat too much, cry, and pity ourselves, than tell the creator of the universe that you messed up. In my mind I’m thinking “Hey God, I know you say my body is a temple, but lately I’ve been treating it like a trash can.”

 THAT’S GOING TO BREAK GOD’S HEART, AND I DON’T WANT TO BREAK GOD’S HEART.

Disappointing the most important relationship in my life, blows.

I know He loves me, don’t think I’m questioning that. I’m just sad to have to go to Him and apologize for self abuse.

So if any of you guys have any advice on what to do, let me know.

I love you!

Sincerely,

Me.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Mine.

So I’ve been on this whole “self-seeking” journey these past few months.

I like to say that I’m dating myself.

“I’ve been single for a while now, and I must say, it’s going very well. Like it’s working out… I think I’m the one.” -Anonymous

I don’t want to date anyone else but myself for now.

That way, the only person that can break my heart is me. And I know what it felt like last time to have a broken heart so I probably won’t.

But if my heart does break again, then I only have myself to blame.

This is not to say I won’t be going on any more awful dates ever again. It just means that I don’t want to date right now.

It’s too time consuming and emotional. I am not looking for emotions at this time. I’m literally emotionally unavailable.

I’m so content at this time in my life, I am too scare to let a boy come in, cause a ruckus, mess things up, and leave.

I’m scared to love again at this point, and thats fine. I really don’t want to love. It’s overrated.

To be honest, when I look back on my past relationship I just think he put me through Hell and I called it love. Because no matter how much I thought I loved Calvin, the only thing I learned in that relationship was what love wasn’t.

  • Love isn’t tears 4/7 days a week.
  • It isn’t worrying that he overdosed on some laced form of weed if you haven’t heard from him in three days.
  • It’s not begging him to stay, because you’re afraid to be alone.
  • It isn’t torture.
  • Get it through your head. Love isn’t tragic or torture or some depressing love poem. It’s not an episode of Grey’s Anatomy or The Titanic.

However; Love is:

  • Grandma and grandpa who met when they were like 2 and never loved anyone else.
  • laughing until you cry 4/7 days a week
  • it’s arguments, but not arguments that end in him storming out, smoking a joint, then coming back higher that a kite on Mt. Kilimanjaro
  • It’s simple. And annoying. Because let’s face it, boys are aggravating, and girls are obnoxious.
  • Love isn’t Hell. We just all want love so badly we will label it whenever we get a slight chance.

So, maybe someday I will find love, or maybe someday Paul George (indian pacers basketball player) will realize I’m his soulmate. As for now though, I am to stubborn, and happy, to risk a dumb boy coming into my life and messing with my head.

PS

I really hope Paul George realizes I’m his soulmate soon. If he realized that, I would get ready for love real quick.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got to say about this icky love shizzzz.

Bye! ❤ ❤